How long should I wait for reconciliation with my spouse?

This is a tough question and a multi-layered answer.  First, if there’s even the smallest chance of reconciling the marriage and shared life,  always work on it, get some counseling, pray about it, and sacrifice for it. Remain open to it as long as you’re able. Yes, there can be situations where it may be impossible to resume shared life. He or she is unrepentant, unable to live out married life, or it would be harmful to come back together.  Every situation is different but in many cases, there may be some possibiilty of reconciliation. Don’t let family or friends dissuade you against hoping or working for it.

Get specific and get help

Your spouse may have moved out and their mind and heart may be closed due to years of unhappiness. Regardless, it’s prudent  at some point to at least ask your spouse what would have to change for them to consider reconciliation. You must ask yourself the same question: what do I need to resume married life and be safe? Don’t let separation or divorce happen without asking these questions directly and courageously. A wise and holy counselor is absolutely necessary in guiding you through this. In the emotional turmoil of divorce, no one has the clarity to do this on his or her own.

Consider slowing down

If possible and prudent (because every case is different) consider waiting as long as you can before filing for civil divorce. Some studies have shown that if both parties of a divorcing couple will agree to wait one year before they separate and file, often they “cool off” and eventually find their way back to one another.

Be reconciled with reality

If eventually it becomes clear that there will be no marital reconciliation, you can still be “reconciled” to a differently-lived-out love for him or her.   You can become reconciled to reality and to the need to forgive, be forgiven, and find some peace.

If you have no annulment, you’ll still be married in the eyes of the Church and will need special graces and counsel to remain faithful to those vows. With God’s grace, many divorced couples have come to forgive and care tenderly for one another although they are no longer living as married.

Always choose love

Allow time, God’s grace, and your working with a reliable counselor to heal your own emotional strugggles and longings. Your shared life may be over. You may not trust or even like the other spouse and sometimes that cannot be helped.  But never, ever stop loving the other person as God loves him or her.

 

References:

Bible: Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in me. John 14:1

Catechism:  The fruits of love are joy, peace and mercy; love remains . . . disinterested and generous. CCC 1828- 1829

 

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