How do I stop my children from acting out?

Except in extreme cases, most children of divorce “act out” because they are trying to express themselves and don’t know a better way. They may not feel seen, heard, or understood.

Get to really know your child

Create a safe space. Bring calm and quiet to the chaos. Ask questions. LISTEN without reactivity. A child’s response to divorce, or any life event, will be a combination of their natural temperament (some are born loud or quiet, some mostly optimistic, or some prone to negativity), their learned patterns within the home, their history with you, social and peer influences, how tired they are, what level of fears they have, how hungry they are, and many more factors.

The better question might be, “What is my child trying to say . . . and how can I make him feel safe in sharing?”

You can do this

This is a time for patience, but not tolerating disrespect; for giving time, attention, and understanding to a child, without allowing her to overindulge her emotions.  You may need some professional insight and support. But until then, remember:

•    Slow down. Turn off the electronics and make time to talk.
•    Be patient. Try again tomorrow.
•    Ask questions instead of lecturing. Listen before talking.
•    Encourage the child to use his reason, not just his emotions.
•    Apologize if you need to (without undermining your authority.
•    Request an apology from them if they owe it to you or others in the family.
•    Don’t give false reassurances.
•    Be honest. It makes the child feel safer when you tell the truth.
•    Don’t bash the other parent.
•    Never put the child in the middle.
•    Keep healthy routines and structure but stay flexible.
•    Always expect respect, but don’t intimidate or demand.
•    Never tolerant abusive attitudes, language, or behavior.
•    Don’t try to do this all yourself. Get good counseling.
•    Encourage your child to join you in turning to God for help and comfort.

Also: Helping Kids After Divorce

References:

Bible: My child, hold to sound advice and prudence, never let them out of sight . . . When you go to bed, you will not be afraid; once in bed, your sleep will be sweet.  Proverbs 3:21-24

Catechism: Parents must regard their children as children of God and respect them as human persons. Showing themselves obedient to the will of the Father in heaven, they educate their children to fulfill God’s law. CCC 2222

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