I have so much guilt. What can I do?

Guilty feelings can be like warning gauges on the car: they signal that something is wrong and we SHOULD pay attention to them. But first understand that there is a distinction between “Genuine guilt” and “False guilt”.

Genunie Guilt is good

“Genuine guilt” has been described as an authentic grieving of your spirit because you KNOW you have failed, hurt, or used someone and you deeply regret having done so.  Thank God for this, because it should move you to change direction away from self and back to Love.  It is a maturity that takes responsibility for one’s sins.  If only I had been less selfish, maybe he/she would not have left. I blew it.

False Guilt is bad

“False guilt” is more of a fear of rejection for having failed to perform to someone’s standards. It comes from a mixture of pride and a disordered reliance on others’ opinions and approval and a fear that if you lose it, you’ll be lost. Some call this codependency.  If only I were thinner, richer, or was more sexually available, maybe he/she would not have left.

You are not a failure

Both types of guilt come from a sense of failure. But remember: we all fail. My old mentor, Gary, used to say, “You will fail …and fail… and fail again. But that does nto make YOU a failure. Get back up. Pick up your mat and walk.”  And it’s not the world’s expectations we should live up to, it’s God’s.   Forgiveness, mercy and grace are available to you from God at every moment and in very circumstance…even when they are not available to you from others.

Go to Jesus in Confession

Dealing with guilt can be complex and you should seek the wise counsel of a spiritual director or counselor. But there is one thing you can do RIGHT NOW: Ask God to reveal to you the truth of your failings, where genuine sorrow and repentance is necessary, versus where you may be clinging to false guilt. Go immediately to confession for God’s mercy, and the graces necessary to grow stronger in love. Then go to whomever you have hurt and seek forgiveness for the ways you have failed him or her.

Turn in the right direction

Repentance means turning from sin and back to love: stop fighting in court. Let the kids see their other parent more. Pay the child support. Stop bad-mouthing him/her. Let go of the bitterness. Take the high road.  And you will not haved to deal with guilt again.

More: Is Divorce A Sin?

References

Bible: Merciful and gracious is the Lord, slow to anger, abundant in mercy. He will not always accuse, and nurses no lasting anger. Psalm 103:8-9

Catechism: Those who approach the Sacrament of Penance obtain pardon from God’s mercy for the offense committed against him and are, at the same time, reconciled with the Church which they have wounded by their sins… CCC1422

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