Where are all the good ones?

After divorce trying to find new love is definitely a challenge. You may have been divorced with annulment for some time. The kids are doing bettter, you’ve settled the court issues and stablized your finances, and perhaps you’ve been dating for awhile. But now there just doesn’t seem to be any “good ones” left.

Well, in a certain sense, you may be right.

Very few people do their interior work

After divorce too many people don’t do the emotional “work” necessary to heal. They stay stuck in old ways of thinking and “dating” (sleeping together) and are recycling unhealthy relationship attitudes or pattterns. As a result, they may be unsuited for authentic, sacramental marriage. Sad, but that’s life’s reality.  Don’t be one of those people because “like attracts like.”  Get some professional help (coach, therapist, spiritual mentor) to help you sort out any of your own remaining interior struggles.  Take a look at where and how you are spending time, who you are spending time with, and make appropriate changes.

Stay connected

Remember that trying to “find someone” after divorce can devolve into appropriation or acquisition. You don’t just drive down to the store to get a new spouse.  You must be actively available and let all your trusted friends and family know you are looking. Regularly attend events where you are likely to meet others who share your interests: art, museums, cars, cooking, apologetics conferences, sports, travel, nature, book clubs. and more.

The best way to FIND a good one, is to BE a good one. Even if you never find a suitable mate, you will probably find at least a few good friends.

Make God your primary love

You may not find any good ones but the Best One is always available. He constantly invites you to know him more, love him more, and surrender your heart and life to him more fully each day.  In that way, everyone—married or single—is called into the “mystical marriage” with Christ.  He is our primnary Love and where our deepest longings will be fully satisfied.

If this sounds too religious, boring, or otherwise unappealing, ask God to open your mind and heart so he can reveal himself more personally to you. It will be the best prayer you ever make.

References

Bible: Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:34

Catechism: Read the section on THE VIRTUES that “Make possible ease, self-mastery, and joy in leading a morally good life.” CCC 1803 – 1845

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Do you need some wisdom and guidance during or after your divorce? Schedule a coaching session with me (see links below) or find comfort in one of my books.