After Divorce, why do I hurt so much?

Because you attached so much

You were emotionally attached to your identity as a married person, a parent, with good standing in the community or among friends, or at the church. What else is gone? Feeling like you fit in,  that you belonged.  That you were like others. You were attached to the ideas of marriage, the hopes and expectations for the future, and all the dreams that were promised. And now those are gone, too. Whether or not you felt you had no other choice to to leave or were left by the other, it’s the same: all of it was ripped right out of your hands.

Detachment always brings some pain

People are made to bond with each other at various appropriate levels. When that bond is broken, it hurts. People cry when their parents die, their best friend moves away, or their co-worker is transferred. There is pain in detachment. Pain in separation with loved ones.

One-flesh unions create strong attachments

Marriage is meant to be the highest level of union between people, uniting husband and wife into “one flesh”. What is one-flesh? It’s two unique individuals who form an intimate, deeply personal communion that mirrors the loving union of the Persons in the Trinity: they remain separate, but in a sense they also ‘disappear’ into each other at the same time. They become “one”. They merge, meld, and give themselves totally to one another without losing their unique identity. Like Father, Son, and Holy Spirit do. From that union should come great security, love, peace, and joy.

Divorce is a tearing apart

But when spouses divorce after forming these emotional, sexual, financial, parental, social, and spiritual bonds they do not separate . . . they TEAR apart.  So (and here’s a key principle) the deeper the emotional attachment one has (or had), the deeper the pain.

Panic can come with pain

Pain can also signal grave fear. Marriage sometimes becomes a person’s entire identity or their security.  When it’s lost, panic arises, and a person may often fight or flounder to grab hold of a quick substitute. Our goal is to help you discover the truth of your identity and your security. No role in marriage (spouse or parent) should ever be the center of your life; that place is reserved for God alone.

Letting God love you is balm

Even in suffering, if you will unite your will with his, make an act of surrender and trust (even when part of you is afraid or not feeling it), he will bring some relief. When you are willing to begin to put Him at the center of your heart, He will heal you from the inside out. That’s His promise.

References

Bible: This is why a man leaves his father and mother and becomes attached to his wife, and they become one flesh. Gen 2:24

Catechism: …the first sin had for its first consequence the rupture of the original communion between man and woman. Their relations were distorted . . . a relationship of domination and lust.  CCC 1607

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Do you need some wisdom and guidance during or after your divorce? Schedule a coaching session with me (see links below) or find comfort in one of my books.