Rose Sweet
Rose Sweet
Dating is for marriage
Divorce is a huge personal rejection. Many believe that another relationship is the cure for the pain, sorrow, and loneliness. Some were rejected and lonely for years in their marriage and are (finally) hoping to find what was missing there. They feel justified in this.
- I haven’t felt love in years.
- This will help me feel better about myself.
- I’m sure God wants me to feel loved.
- I just want to feel like me again.
Nothing wrong in these feelings but how we deal with them and where we go to satisfy them can cause problems and even more pain. Yes, you need the love and support and company of loving friendships: brothers, sisters, same-sex friends. Friendships are for eveyone; dating is for marriage. Dating is the romantic involvement that is meant to help us find a suitable marriage partner. You don’t “date” your brother, sister, uncle, or grandma.
When can I start dating?
Well, let’s ask instead: When will you be free to marry? Because dating”is about finding a spouse, not using others indefinitely to fill loneliness.
- Are you legally divorced? If not, you’re still married.
- Have you received a Decree of Nullity from the Church Tribunal? If not, you’re still married.
- Are you fully healed, mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually, and spiritually? If not, you’re not ready.
- Are you open and ready in every way to enter into a full, free, faithful, and fruitful marriage where you are a gift to another, not a burden?
Dating has consequences
I’m not ready for marriage, but can’t we just have coffee? It’s just dinner. Even with some mututal understanding and setting boundaries, it is our nature to feel connected and to want to be close. A hearty laugh, shared tears, a gentle touch of the hand and BOOM . . . there we are. Intimate conversation and time together will naturally move us into physical intimacy and then the hormones kick in. This is all part of God’s beautful plan, but NOT when we (or the other person) are not ready to carry the responsbility we have toward ourselves and one another.
It’s not fair, nor is it loving, to start a relationship meant to move people to marriage when one or both of you are not ready. It can be a temptation to ignore boundaries, good sense, and God’s will.
If you are not ready to marry, you are not ready to date.
Sadly, we’ve reduced dating to a way of using other people: to feel better, to “find myself”, to make sure we still “have it”, to feel loved, to have sex again, to enjoy social settings, to quell loneliness, to show our ex we are still desirable, to not be the odd man out, or to find someone this time who can meet our needs. It’s all about me! That self-focused streak will be the ruination of any relationship.
To date again, even for cofffee, you’ll need ( 1 ) an annulment and ( 2 ) at least a few years of counseling, healing, and stabilization under your belt.
Are you financially stable now after divorce? Have the ongoing court issues with your ex been resolved? Do you fully understand what problems you brought into the former marrriage? Have those been resolved? Why bring your old problems, struggles, and pain into a new relationship?
Avoid future heartbreak
Before you even think about dating again, study Pope John Paul II’s powerful and revolutionary look at how to love rightly: Man and Woman He Created Them: a Theology of the Body (www.tobinstitute.org ). Remarried couples face a 75% statistical chance of divorce. You obviously know that pain . . . don’t you think you might take some time to learn how to do it right?
More:
Was There a True Marriage Bond?
References
Bible: Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him. Do not fret . . . Psalm 37:7
Catechism: The fruits of the Spirit (patience is one) are perfections that the Holy Spirit forms in us as the first fruits of eternal glory CCC 1830 – 1832
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Do you need some wisdom and guidance during or after your divorce? Schedule a coaching session with me (see links below) or find comfort in one of my books.
