I lived with my brothers

When I was in my twenties and single I bought a double-wide mobile home. I was tired of apartments and could not yet afford a real house so, on my modest income I fixed it up cute and cozy.  It soon became a haven for my younger brothers who were still stuck at our parents’ home and also anxious to move out.

Joe would come and go for a few months. He was in between jobs so I let him sleep on the sofa. He paid for groceries, cleaned up his messes, did his own laundry, and paid a little rent. On Saturdays, without being told, he even mowed the grass. Mom and Dad raised us right in that regard.

Life was pretty normal

In the evenings we’d take turns making dinner. Joe was discovering Indian food and today is still an accomplished cook.  I was the baker and, in the evenings, we’d watch TV and devour plates full of hot cookies or brownies. With ice cold milk!

On weekends Joe would be out with his friends but sometimes we’d catch a Sunday afternoon matinee together. Except for the rather frequent brotherly farts, and having to laugh at his adolescent jokes, it was a good time in our lives. We knew, loved, and trusted each other and could have separate jobs, interest, and still enjoy each other immensely. And we only got on each other’s nerves a few times.

Then Fred—the youngest—also found his way to my home. Sometimes he’d bring a friend or two and they’d camp out in the living room. Same thing: he did his own laundry, made homemade fudge (his specialty) and was never a problem. Quite the opposite. They were good times we both remember. Fred’s corny jokes were worse, though. So were the farts.

This arrangement is not punishment

“Living as brother and sister” is not a punishment. Most people today feel entitled to sexual activity when, how, where, and with whom they want. So when the Church share’s God’s plan for love, marriage, and sex, she is told to stay out of our bedroom! Sounds like a rebellious teenager.

God is the author of our bodies and sexuality and he knows how we are wired. Sex—and the powerful bonds it creates between us—can bring immeasurable pleasure or unbearable pain.  The Church’s teachings are the Owner’s Manual to God’s most precious and beautiful creation.

The Church, entrusted with our care, only wants us to go higher and to love on a level that brings the deepest trust, the sweetest security, and authentic intimacy. Who doesn’t want that?

Sex is body language

For our ultimate flourishing, sex—and all its powerful emotions and hormones—is meant to belong only in marriage. The marital act, if you didn’t know, is a supreme form of “body language.” Sex should say with our bodies what we said at the altar with words.  

Doesn’t every spouse long to hear this kind of promise:

 I love you

You are all mine and I am all yours

I freely give all of myself and all that I am and have to you

I hold nothing back from you

I freely receive all that you are and that you have

No other will receive this love

I will never use you or hurt you

I want only to bring you joy and love all our days

I will protect and care for you

I will provide all that you need to feel safe and loved

I will never expose you to any kind of harm

I will never abandon you in any way

I will suffer and sacrifice for your greater good

I will never do anything that stands in the way of your sanctity

I will always work to help you get to heaven

I will safeguard our relationship.

I want and hope to raise a family with you.

I will never close off our relations to the gift of life.

If troubles come, I will work with you and stand by you.

Only death will part us.

After God, you are first in my heart.

Sex outside marriage is a lie

So, when you have not pledged to give all (to be there unconditionally, to give everything you are and have without reservation, until death) then “going all the way” with your body is a lie. You are not going all the way at all; you are mutually using each other for the time being. Two people can mutually agree to cheat on their taxes and it still remains a sin. Whether in this life or the next, they will eventually pay a painful price. Sex outside marriage also has a price. It ultimately brings uncertainty, insecurity, anxiety, and when the relationship ends, excruciating agony.

The Church is on your side when she says save sex for marriage.

I loved my husband like a brother

My husband, Bob, had a massive stroke and passed away a few years after that. Because of his condition, we no longer were sexually active but we did continue to love one another in all the ways “brother and sister” can love. We laughed, cried, hugged, kissed. We got angry and made up. Sometimes we just sat in the same room and read together. Other times we listened to music and talked about the kids. We listened to news, followed the latest politics, and he watched tons of documetaries while I worked.

We had been high-school sweethearts and both of us never lost that spark and sexual passion for each other. In honest discussions, we realized that most people spend the majority of their lives not having sex.  We:

• go to school, work, and church,
• do chores and immerse ourselves in projects,
• decorate homes, join clubs, play sports, take hikes, read, watch movies, and cook dinner,
• raise children, take them to the park, go to their plays, and teach them how to ride a bike,
• teach them life lessons and sometimes bail them out of trouble,
• have interesting conversations, go on vacations, and plan family birthday parties,
• visit grandma in the nursing home and babysit for the neighbors,
• have fun, enjoy each other’s company, listen, learn, and love,
• spend time with friends and go on retreat,
• enjoy the holidays, cook up a storm, and take long naps,
• argue, cry, apologize, and forgive,
• find meaning, have purpose, and discover joy,
• laugh and live life.

All without sex.

No one dies from not being sexually active

Of course you can want and miss sexual expression with one you love, but you do not need it to have a good life.

Looking back to the last two years of our marriage—where we were not sexually intimate—I saw myself give of myself much more deeply than ever. It was more difficult but I was more loving. With God’s grace I was less distracted, much more present to him, more tender, and much more self-sacrificing than in other years. Without sex.

True love in grounded in trust

True love is never about lust, that greedy, grabby, entitled attitude that one must have it (whatever “it” is) to be happy.  It is about doing what is best for the other—no matter the cost or personal sacrifice.

I’ve ministered to the divorced and remarried for many decades. When couples are lovingly mentored, given the reasons “why,” and discover the truth and freedom of the Church’s teachings on marriage, many freely choose to “live as brother and sister. ”Numerous men and women have written me to say they did not regret it.

The women confide that their respect for their husband sky-rockets and their trust grows deeper.

• I can’t tell l you how much I respect my husband for taking the high path. For me. For us.
• My husband says he loves me even without sex. Isn’t that what all wives want to hear?
• Now I know my husband will do any difficult thing for my sake. I can’t respect him more for that.

Well-meaning pastors and others who say it is too difficult and can’t be done are wrong. Why should we deprive anyone of the opportunity to reach great emotional and spiritual heights just because it is a trek?

That’s not mercy—its madness.

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More:

What is Annulment?

Annulment – A Tough Topic

Was There a True Marital Bond?

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