{"id":6872,"date":"2020-04-19T16:50:46","date_gmt":"2020-04-19T16:50:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/rosesweet.com\/?p=6872"},"modified":"2023-09-14T16:35:47","modified_gmt":"2023-09-14T16:35:47","slug":"is-it-ok-to-separate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/rosesweet.com\/is-it-ok-to-separate\/","title":{"rendered":"Is it okay to separate?"},"content":{"rendered":"
It sounds like a bad word, but separation in marriage\u00a0may be just what the doctor ordered<\/em>. But first, let\u2019s separate<\/em> it into two areas:<\/p>\n ( 1 ) Separation within a marriage In marriage, the two become one<\/em>[1]<\/a>, but that doesn\u2019t mean my husband gets to finish my sandwich just because I left it there for five minutes, or that he can take all the covers at night, every night! Healthy boundaries sometimes require a form of separateness to protect both spouses’ dignity, safety, or well-being. So, the word “separation” in itself is not a bad thing.<\/p>\n Sometimes I just have to \u201cget away\u201d from my husband, Bob. I know he can feel the same! We both live and work out of our small home and unless I am on the road for work, we are with each other morning, noon, and night. Day after day. Week after . . . well, you get the picture.<\/p>\n Good separation<\/em> intends pausing, refreshing, healing, balancing, and strengthening<\/em>, all with the purpose of creating a balanced union. The Church also teaches that periodic sexual separation (continence) can be a virtue[2]<\/a> that<\/p>\n (a) respects<\/em> the body, These beautiful relationship benefits can also be enjoyed in other types of healthy separation.<\/p>\n Thankfully, Bob and I are blessed to have separate bathrooms and, when he snores or if one of us is sick, separate bedrooms. Trust me, it keeps the love alive! To keep the peace, to show love\u2014and sometimes because it\u2019s simply more practical\u2014it may be okay to have a separate shelf in the fridge, separate laundry baskets, and separate cars. But . . .<\/p>\n Sometimes you may have separate social circles or even separate bank accounts.\u00a0 Great care must be taken not to slip into selfishness and measured living. I admit sometimes I hide the last of the cookies from Bob, but hiding can<\/em> be a sign of sinful thinking and behaviors. Too much of it, in the wrong areas, and for the wrong reasons, can weaken or deeply damage the marriage bond. In cases where property, possessions, or financial or other control was withheld in totality or in part from the other in a \u201cpre-nup,\u201d that separateness can prevent a valid marriage bond from ever arising. Unlike other human relationships, marriage requires a totality of giving[4]<\/a><\/p>\n It exposes and opens wide a painful crack in the marriage that can invite all manner of infectious evil. Separating is generally not a good idea<\/em> and should be used only as a last resort<\/em> because of the risks involved. It\u2019s far too easy to find relief in a temporary escape from the difficulties and then decide not to return to the marriage. Those of us in some form of marriage ministry agree that a temporary physical or legal “separation” as most people approach it works in less than 10% of cases.<\/p>\n Let’s briefly review what the Church teaches in this sensitive and important area:<\/p>\n Before one even thinks about separation, every possible effort must be made (yes, I repeated that<\/em>) to talk, problem solve, make changes, get help, find a therapist, or enroll in necessary classes or programs. If you or anyone you know has exhausted these and is considering separation as a last resort, great care should be taken to do so only<\/em> with:<\/p>\n Prayers<\/strong> \u2013 Keep yourself on your knees and immersed in prayer. It may be that reconciliation is not possible. Despite that deep sorrow, don’t despair. You can still have a rich, full, purposeful, and joyful life without all the goods of a shared married life.\u00a0 If you believe you may have grounds for annulment or want to educate yourself if your spouse files for one, contact me for a free short consultation.<\/p>\n Separation for selfish reasons is seriously sinful and risks grave (even life-long) harm to both spouses, the children, family, friends, and all of society.<\/p>\n If you feel you can\u2019t breathe, or that you will die if you stay one more day, create some short-term space for a few days with a family member or friend and get qualified help immediately<\/em>. There are lots of healthy ways to create space, safety, health, and peace in a difficult marriage without separation.<\/p>\n Contact me; I can help you come up with a plan.<\/p>\n ___ <\/a><\/p>\n [1]<\/a> CCC 1644; Mt 19:6
\n( 2 ) Separation from a spouse<\/p>\nSome separation can be loving<\/strong><\/h5>\n
\n
\n<\/u><\/strong>Bad separation<\/em> is withdrawing in anger, bitterness, selfishness, fear, revenge, or control<\/em>. \u00a0\u00a0It\u2019s unloving; it throws off the splintery cross and refuses to suffer for a greater good.<\/p>\nSometimes being apart can encourage togetherness<\/strong><\/h5>\n
\n(b) encourages tenderness<\/em>, and
\n(c) favors authentic freedom<\/em>.<\/p>\nDon’t get carried away with this!<\/strong><\/h5>\n
Separation from a spouse is different<\/strong><\/h5>\n
What does the Church permit?<\/strong><\/h5>\n
\n
\n<\/strong>A valid marriage can only be ended by death.<\/li>\n
\n<\/strong>She also recognizes that \u201cit can seem difficult, even impossible\u201d[5]<\/a> to bind oneself to another for life. Our Lord assures us that his grace is sufficient (2 Cor 12:9) for us.<\/li>\n
\nWhen living together is practically impossible, for a variety[6]<\/a> of reasons, physical and even legal separation (or civil divorce) may be tolerated and it does not constitute a moral offense<\/em>. If, because of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, the safety, health, or sanity of a spouse or the children are in jeopardy, separation may be a temporary, appropriate, or even mandatory solution. The couple is still presumed to be validly married and must remain faithful to their vows in whatever way that circumstance permits and requires.\u00a0 Every possible effort to reconcile must be made. Graces can still flow, and holiness can still grow<\/em>.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nThink clearly before you act<\/strong><\/h5>\n
\nProtection<\/strong> \u2013 Get legal, social, and moral support, and others to pray for you both.
\nPermission<\/strong> \u2013 Check with the Catechism. CCC 1648, 1649, 2383
\nPilot <\/strong>\u2013 Get a qualified therapist\/ expert to help you navigate.
\nPurpose<\/strong> \u2013 Be clear and committed to creating an effective environment for change
\nPlan<\/strong> \u2013 To strengthen the bond, reconcile, and rebuild if possible.<\/p>\n
\nExtra Help<\/strong>
\nThoughtful Podcast with Dr. Greg Bottaro, Catholic Psychotherapist (CatholicPsych Institute)
\n“Is it Wrong to Separate?”<\/p>\n
\n[2]<\/a> CCC 2370
\n[3]<\/a> CCC 2308
\n[4]<\/a> CCC 1643
\n[5]<\/a> CCC 1648
\n[6]<\/a> CCC 1649 and CIC (Canon Law) 1151 – 1155<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":10519,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[68,66,71],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n