{"id":3481,"date":"2015-11-03T12:00:48","date_gmt":"2015-11-03T12:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/rosesweet.com\/?p=3428"},"modified":"2022-07-16T22:27:38","modified_gmt":"2022-07-16T22:27:38","slug":"i-cant-forgive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/rosesweet.com\/i-cant-forgive\/","title":{"rendered":"I can’t forgive"},"content":{"rendered":"
First, the good news! The fact that a part of you even wants to forgive tells me you have already started the process of \u201cforgiveness\u201d. You just have to go a little farther. There\u2019s so much we don\u2019t understand about forgiveness, and too many myths we do<\/em> believe. Let\u2019s look at a few:<\/p>\n In the human person, there is usually a war between (1) what we think and believe and (2) how we feel. In the therapeutic Internal Family System<\/em> (IFS), this same reality would be identified as our hurt, fearful, and protective parts arguing with the calm, confident<\/em> Core Self which is most connected<\/em> to God.<\/p>\n Has part of you ever wished someone would get cancer and die? That way they can be out of your life and it would not really be your fault! I thought that once about someone and it was wrong. In my Core Self, I choose not to be that kind of person. It repulses my Core Self to think that I would even THINK about it. But on some days when I am tired and weak and other parts of me are indulging in self-pity, those more emotional parts may take over. I might FEEL like wishing someone would die, but the minute I do, the higher part of me regrets it. It\u2019s our wounded, emotional and protective parts that need to be tamed. (See blog on that HERE<\/a>)<\/p>\n You must choose to forgive despite the emotions. Maybe you do it imperfectly, but it\u2019s a start. You don\u2019t have to feel like forgiving, you just DO IT because you know it is right\u2014and you trust that doing right is good. Your Core Self trusts God, and despite other parts of you that doubt, that<\/em> is the part of yourself in the driver’s seat.<\/p>\n Some offenses need to be remembered because they keep us or another safe from further harm. A drugged-out relative who steals from your purse can be forgiven, but he does not need to be invited back into your home. A spouse who keeps beating you can be forgiven, but you\u2019d better<\/em> remember to keep yourself safe. \u201cRemembering\u201d doesn\u2019t mean constantly obsessing over it or nursing your wounds.<\/p>\n Forgiveness and trust are two different things. People who hurt you have violated (and probably lost) your trust. Because we live in a fallen world, our trust is not something we should give to everyone. If it\u2019s been betrayed, grant them forgiveness but wait for them to earn your trust again. That may never happen and that will be cause for sorrow. Don’t worry; in many cases, you may still be able to reorder or retain something good in the relationship even with a diminished level of trust.<\/p>\n Depending on the degree of attachment you had in the relationship, or the severity of the issue, it may take a long time to forgive. You must acknowledge the reality of the injustice, not whitewash it. You then must decide why you want to forgive and freely make that choice.<\/p>\n Staying bound up in unforgiveness holds you hostage. It’s usually prideful; my<\/em> rights were violated, how dare she do that to me<\/em>, I<\/em> deserve better! It also lacks trust in God\u2019s perfect justice and leads to self-pitying bitterness. Bitterness will turn you into a nasty, resentful person who is unable to give and receive love as God intended. In Hebrews, St. Paul tells us that \u201cBitterness troubles you and defiles many.\u201d (Heb 12:15) Untie yourself! Remember what you have to and forget the rest. Keep your eyes on the bigger picture (eternity). Keep your eyes on Christ. Trust your Core Self, who is most connected to God, to lead your inner fearful, hurting, doubting parts into a place of peace.<\/p>\nForgiveness is not a feeling<\/h4>\n
It\u2019s rooted in the will<\/h4>\n
Forgiveness is not always about forgetting<\/h4>\n
It\u2019s not the same as trusting<\/h4>\n
Getting there takes time<\/h4>\n
Forgiveness frees you<\/h4>\n
It\u2019s not a one-time event<\/h4>\n