{"id":10527,"date":"2022-08-21T00:56:07","date_gmt":"2022-08-21T00:56:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/rosesweet.com\/?p=10527"},"modified":"2022-08-21T04:19:02","modified_gmt":"2022-08-21T04:19:02","slug":"speak-now-or","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/rosesweet.com\/speak-now-or\/","title":{"rendered":"Speak now or&#8230;"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"fusion-fullwidth fullwidth-box fusion-builder-row-1 fusion-flex-container nonhundred-percent-fullwidth non-hundred-percent-height-scrolling\" style=\"--awb-border-radius-top-left:0px;--awb-border-radius-top-right:0px;--awb-border-radius-bottom-right:0px;--awb-border-radius-bottom-left:0px;--awb-flex-wrap:wrap;\" ><div class=\"fusion-builder-row fusion-row fusion-flex-align-items-flex-start fusion-flex-content-wrap\" style=\"max-width:1248px;margin-left: calc(-4% \/ 2 );margin-right: calc(-4% \/ 2 );\"><div class=\"fusion-layout-column fusion_builder_column fusion-builder-column-0 fusion_builder_column_1_1 1_1 fusion-flex-column\" style=\"--awb-bg-size:cover;--awb-width-large:100%;--awb-margin-top-large:0px;--awb-spacing-right-large:1.92%;--awb-margin-bottom-large:0px;--awb-spacing-left-large:1.92%;--awb-width-medium:100%;--awb-spacing-right-medium:1.92%;--awb-spacing-left-medium:1.92%;--awb-width-small:100%;--awb-spacing-right-small:1.92%;--awb-spacing-left-small:1.92%;\"><div class=\"fusion-column-wrapper fusion-flex-justify-content-flex-start fusion-content-layout-column\"><div class=\"fusion-text fusion-text-1\"><p>In 1967\u2019s <em>The Graduate,<\/em> I\u2019ll never forget Dustin Hoffman (Benjamin) sprinting breathlessly to the church and then banging furiously on the glass wall to stop his love Katharine Ross (Elaine) from getting married to someone else.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s one of the most dominant movie wedding cliches; the couple is about to marry, and the minister says:<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 80px;\">\u201cIf anyone can show just cause why this couple may not be lawfully wed, speak now or forever hold your peace!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Suddenly, the bride or groom\u2019s true love bolts in to stop the huge mistake about to happen.<\/p>\n<p>This dreaded invitation is from the marriage section of the Anglican Church\u2019s <em>Book of Common Prayer<\/em>, first published in 1549. Over the centuries, it has worked its way into many Christian wedding liturgies.<\/p>\n<p>Although you\u2019re not likely to hear it today, the Catholic Church does still encourage anyone who has a major and legitimate objection to the impending exchange of consent (marriage) to speak up.<\/p>\n<p>Why?  <em>For the long-term sake of the couple, the community, and the sanctity of the marriage bond.<\/em><\/p>\n<h4 data-fontsize=\"28.43\" style=\"--fontSize:28.43; line-height: 1.2;\" data-lineheight=\"34.116px\" class=\"fusion-responsive-typography-calculated\"><strong>What if you are worried about someone&#8217;s marriage?<\/strong><\/h4>\n<p>It may be none of your business but, then again, it may be exactly your business. No one likes to ruin the \u201chappy occasion,\u201d but you are not happy because:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>You know or have seen know there are significant problems<\/li>\n<li>You have seen serious \u201cred flags\u201d and are worried they should not marry<\/li>\n<li>Perhaps you have private information that, if revealed, would ruin relationships, cause hurt feelings or public scandal<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Some are quick to say, \u201dWho are you to judge?\u201d  Don\u2019t let that stop you from using your God-given capacity to see when something is wrong and needs to be addressed.<\/p>\n<h4 data-fontsize=\"28.43\" style=\"--fontSize:28.43; line-height: 1.2;\" data-lineheight=\"34.116px\" class=\"fusion-responsive-typography-calculated\"><strong>I\u2019ve seen disasters about to happen<\/strong><\/h4>\n<p>For many years I\u2019ve worked at my local parish and in dioceses around the country in (a) marriage preparation, (b) divorce healing ministry, and (c) assisting both parties (Petitioner and Respondent) in annulment cases.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve also authored a book that many have found eye-opening in understanding the reasons the Church can and will declare a marriage bond \u201cnull.\u201d  It all goes back to some serious defect in the relationship present on the day of their wedding.<\/p>\n<p>We all call them \u201cred flags.\u201d<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>She is pregnant and he or she feels forced into the marriage,<\/li>\n<li>One or both is using marriage to escape an unbearable abusive home life,<\/li>\n<li>He or she has a relationship on the side with no intent of giving it up,<\/li>\n<li>One or both are open and accepting of the possibility of divorce,<\/li>\n<li>One or both never want to have children,<\/li>\n<li>One or both are terrified of being alone and marrying only half-heartedly,<\/li>\n<li>One or both are gravely immature or mentally ill,<\/li>\n<li>One or both are sex addicts or struggle with an unhealed sexual disorder,<\/li>\n<li>One is quietly or even publicly abusing the other,<\/li>\n<li>\u2026 and many more.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>When these become known or obvious, most people believe they have no right or obligation to address, guide, or counsel the parties. They fear conflict, judgment, or losing or ruining relationships.<\/p>\n<p><em>So they remain silent.  <\/em>But we may have a moral obligation to say something, somehow. Would you stay silent if you saw someone you love about to harm themselves or others?<\/p>\n<h4 data-fontsize=\"28.43\" style=\"--fontSize:28.43; line-height: 1.2;\" data-lineheight=\"34.116px\" class=\"fusion-responsive-typography-calculated\"><strong>The Church guides us in this<\/strong><\/h4>\n<p>The Catholic Church\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.vatican.va\/archive\/cod-iuris-canonici\/eng\/documents\/cic_lib4-cann998-1165_en.html\">Canon Law<\/a> says the pastor has the burden of doing his best to ensure there are no obvious or known impediments to the marriage:<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 80px;\"><strong>CHAPTER I. <\/strong><strong>PASTORAL CARE AND THOSE THINGS WHICH MUST PRECEDE THE CELEBRATION OF MARRIAGE<\/strong><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 80px;\"><em>Can. 1063 Pastors of souls are obliged to take care that their ecclesiastical community offers the Christian faithful the assistance by which the matrimonial state is preserved in a Christian spirit and advances in perfection.<\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 80px;\"><em> <\/em><em>Can. 1066 Before a marriage is celebrated, it must be evident that nothing stands in the way of its valid and licit celebration.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>And the faithful\u2014that\u2019s all the rest of us\u2014are obliged to speak in the best way we can:<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 80px;\"><em>Can. 1069 All the faithful are obliged to reveal any impediments they know about to the pastor or local ordinary (bishop) before the celebration of the marriage.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>With no evidence to the contrary, the Church presumes both parties have the right <em>intent <\/em>and<em> capacity<\/em> for marriage and will not refuse it to anyone without \u201cjust cause.\u201d  But you may have information others do not.<\/p>\n<p>The good Lord has given you three beautiful gifts: <em>intellect, intuition<\/em>, and<em> instinct<\/em>, and you are given his graces to use them wisely.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>You may not have power or influence, but you have a voice.<\/li>\n<li>You may not be responsible for what others do, but you may be responsible for speaking up.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h4 data-fontsize=\"28.43\" style=\"--fontSize:28.43; line-height: 1.2;\" data-lineheight=\"34.116px\" class=\"fusion-responsive-typography-calculated\"><strong>Here\u2019s what you can do to help<\/strong><\/h4>\n<p>It\u2019s not a good idea to holler out at the wedding, but there <em>is<\/em> something you can do before<strong>:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 80px;\"><strong>Write your concerns in a letter, date and sign it, give it to the pastor, and ask that (a) he read it, and (b) that it at least be placed into the couple\u2019s wedding file.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Wedding files kept at the parish contain paperwork or notations (freedom to marry forms, dispensations, baptism certificate copies, sacraments, and more).<\/p>\n<p>Pastors have a responsibility to counsel, encourage more time for the couple, or even stop the wedding in serious cases.  But you are never responsible for what the pastor does or doesn\u2019t do. Do your part and trust God.<\/p>\n<p>List your concerns as succinctly as possible.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>I know that the (groom) never wants children.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Give a specific, clear example:<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>I heard him say that at a Christmas party to my son, two months before they were married. He wasn\u2019t drunk.  \u201cKids are a drain. We are never having them. I told her she\u2019d better stay on the pill.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>When I asked my daughter, she broke down and cried, admitting that he told her to abort if she ever got pregnant. But she does not want to believe it and told me she thinks time will change him. I think she is extremely desperate right now and afraid to break off the wedding.<\/em><\/p>\n<h4 data-fontsize=\"28.43\" style=\"--fontSize:28.43; line-height: 1.2;\" data-lineheight=\"34.116px\" class=\"fusion-responsive-typography-calculated\"><strong>Who knows what the future will hold?<\/strong><\/h4>\n<p>Will the groom change his mind? Maybe.<\/p>\n<p>We all hope, prepare, and pray for the best. But if the marriage implodes years later, and one party seeks a Declaration of Nullity, there will be your detailed, documented witness testimony in their file as to some of the serious problems\/ concerns present at the time of consent.<\/p>\n<p>Part of the difficulty with annulments is that\u2014years later\u2014witnesses do not recall details or conversations. Maybe they have since died. Or the parties, consumed with shame or secrecy, did not tell anyone of the unbearable and disordered goings on in the relationship back at the time of the wedding or in the earliest years.<\/p>\n<p>If you are in this position, especially if you are a parent, sibling, or close friend,  prayerfully consider how you can help. <a href=\"mailto: rose@rosesweet.com\">Contact me<\/a> if you need guidance.<\/p>\n<p>And if you are the bride or groom, you can also write out your most shameful or embarrassing fears and reservations, sign, date , and seal it and ask that it be put into your marriage file.  Or give it to a trusted family member or friend to hold indefinitely.<\/p>\n<p>Jesus promised that the Truth would set us free. He didn\u2019t say it would be painless.<\/p>\n<p>Have courage and speak now.<\/p>\n<p><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":10528,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[68,66,71],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v22.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Speak now or... - Rose Sweet<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Get compassionate and expert care in a day or two of retreat; return home with a practical plan to make dreams come true!\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/rosesweet.com\/speak-now-or\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Speak now or... - Rose Sweet\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Get compassionate and expert care in a day or two of retreat; 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